Saying no in English without burning bridges

Feb 5
4 min read

How to say no without sounding “difficult”. British English has many ways to disagree...

Hey there!

Have you ever been in a situation where you really wanted to disagree, but felt that saying ‘no’ per se might not be very suitable? Well, this is a common dilemma that advanced English learners tend to find themselves in. Now, what is the problem with saying no? Technically, nothing. However, being too direct can be quite risky as it might sound dismissive or even evasive in some situations… (Remember, it’s not a general ‘rule’, it very much depends on each situation.)

We recently discussed how British people use evasiveness to help manage the impact it has on a relationship, rather than being dishonest - this applies to disagreeing as well. Today, I want to show you some tricks to disagree clearly while still leaving the door open. 😌

Saying no without closing doors

In English, disagreement often starts with alignment

If you have ever listened closely to native speakers, you might have noticed that they often seem to show partial agreement before they express their point of view. This is not a sign of dishonesty or trying to be ‘overly nice’. Think of it as an unspoken societal ‘rule’ that allows you to show the other person that you’re not rejecting them or their idea (even if you don’t agree with it). It’s a great way to show that you’re open to cooperation. Let me show you some examples so that you can have a better understanding of what I’m talking about:

‘I get the logic behind that, I’m just wondering about [...]’
‘I see why you’re saying that. My concern is [...]’
‘That’s a fair point. I’m just not sure it works here.’
‘I understand what you mean. I wonder if we’re missing something else, though.’

Questions are often safer than statements

A few months ago, I read an interesting book about communication, and one thing that really stuck with me is that to be a good communicator, we need to show genuine curiosity. This means asking questions, listening deeply and caring to understand how the other person sees the world. This is the only way to truly know someone and connect with them. Therefore, turning a disagreement into curiosity not only reduces friction but also makes you a better communicator 😉. You can challenge someone’s idea without needing to feel like it creates conflict, and using questions rather than statements is an excellent way to do so. Let’s have a look at what it could look like:

‘What happens if we get pushback on this?’ rather than ‘They won’t allow it’
‘What would you do if that didn’t work out?’ rather than ‘That’s too risky’
‘Do you think that would still work if [...]? rather than ‘No, that’s not possible’
‘What made you come to that conclusion?’ rather than ‘I don’t agree with that at all’

Btw, the book I mentioned is How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being (by David Brooks), and I highly recommend it!

Polite disagreement often avoids personal language

Speaking and communicating are an art; we have realised this by now, right? And knowing what to say and how to say it is extremely powerful. Just think of the words ‘You are wrong about [...]’. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with it. However, speaking directly in second-person language can increase tension in certain instances, like when we’re trying to disagree with someone. Realising that and acting on it can really change the course of your conversation. So, next time you find yourself wanting to say ‘You blah blah blah’, try shifting your focus more to the situation rather than ‘the person’. This could sound like any of the following ways:

‘This can get a bit messy if everyone does it differently’ instead of ‘You’re doing this wrong’
‘That kind of comment can be taken the wrong way’ instead of ‘You shouldn’t say things like that’
‘That might come across differently than you expect’ instead of ‘You’re coming across as rude’

Silence and delay can be a form of disagreement

Before you misunderstand the headline: No, I’m not telling you to just shush and not say anything 😂 That would be awkward… But disagreement does not always have to be immediate or verbal. In British culture, delaying a response often means no or not yet. It’s a common way to signal resistance or hesitation about something. That’s why it’s very normal to hear native speakers say one of the following things when all they want to do is say ‘no’ or ‘not yet’:

‘Let me think about it’
‘I’ll get back to you on that’
‘I’ll see how I feel later’
‘I’ll let you know’
‘Maybe another time’
‘Let’s see how things go’

If you feel you’ve struggled with disagreement in English, maybe what you need to do is to start looking at it as a skill rather than a confrontation. The beauty of learning another language is understanding all the different ways you can express yourself.

My main tip for you now is to try to listen to how natives disagree without ever saying ‘I disagree’. Watch shows, movies, videos, read books, listen to debates, podcasts, etc. There are so many ways you can improve, and if you really want to practice in a safe space and through a guided conversation and feedback, the doors at The English Life Academy are always open! 💙

Until next time!

Camila