How to make small talk less painful

Cami
Oct 2
6 min read

Hey there,

Welcome, if you are new here! 🤩And welcome back, if you’re already an avid reader of our emails 🥳.

I don’t know about you, but I’m quite introverted… But, whether you are introverted or not, I think there is one thing we all dread: Speaking to strangers in English…

Just picture this: You go to an event (work, private, any type!) and sit down next to someone you don’t know. You want to start a conversation in English, but your mind goes blank. The only thing that comes to your mind (and kind of the safe choice) is: Hey, how are you? But let’s be honest, the conversation flops after that…

These standard conversation openers, such as ‘How are you?’ or ‘What do you do?’ can feel quite boring and often don’t really lead anywhere… Which is why we’ve decided to help you out with it! Today I want to show you my tips and tricks for sounding more natural, so that you can have your own little repertoire of practical and (slightly) creative conversation starters you can actually use in real life!

And this is coming from an introverted English learner, so believe me when I tell you that they work!

Everyday situations that need a spark

I know, I just gave as an example that you are attending an event. But let’s be honest, conversations start in the smallest day-to-day moments. Whether you go to a café, share a lift with someone, join a Zoom meeting, have a concierge service in your building… The list goes on. There are always moments when having ‘handy’ conversation starters is helpful.

The key in these situations is, though, to start with something specific and light, not too personal. I mean… You want to break the ice to avoid an awkward silence, but you don’t really want to talk about your personal lives, right?

We know by now that a typical English way to start is to talk about the weather. But we can do better than that!

Categories of conversation starters (with examples)

I have categorised the examples I want to share with you, which you can find below.

1. Observation-based

There is nothing more beautiful in a human interaction than showing that you’re present and aware of what’s going on.

Nowadays, with the increased use of technology, whether it is your phone, Kindle, smart watch, etc., people are very often too distracted to notice what’s happening around them or, even worse, who is around them. Many people who work in the service sector (think of cashiers, bus drivers, cleaners, baristas, etc.), unfortunately, go unnoticed and ignored while they work. So, use that as an opportunity to practise your conversation starters 😉Here are some examples:

You’re so quick at this. Have you been working here long? (great to say to a cashier or barista)
The bus is always packed at this time, isn’t it?
I’m really not sure what to choose. Do you have a favourite?
It suddenly got really busy, didn’t it?
This building feels like a maze, doesn’t it? (you could use that one with someone you’re sharing a lift with)

The weather changes so quickly today, didn’t it? (I had to throw a weather-related one into the mix…)

2. Opinion-based

Do you feel like your life is quite busy? Or that time flies by every day? I think most people have these thoughts at least a couple of times per week. It’s easy to be less present, as we have just established, and many times also to engage in meaningless conversations.

But speaking to someone, even if it is just for 5 minutes, can either make your day or theirs. Something beautiful to do is to start a conversation in which you’re inviting someone else to share their perspective. What do you think of these examples?

That meeting went on forever… Do you think it could have been an email?
This weather is confusing… Do you think it’s going to rain or clear up?
Do you think this event is bigger than last year’s, or is it just me?
They’ve changed the menu again. Do you think it’s better or worse now?
This park is always busy at this time. Do you think mornings are quieter?
I can never decide which queue is faster. Do you think we picked the right one?
I keep hearing different things about this neighbourhood. Do you like it around here?
I always struggle choosing something on the menu. Do you already know your favourite?
I’ve heard people say this is the best café in the area. Do you agree?

3. Experience-based

On the topic of having more meaningful conversations, sharing something light and personal can be a great way to initiate a conversation with someone. I’m aware that I mentioned earlier that the key is not to talk about personal things, but sometimes there are good opportunities to talk about something you might have experience with.

Which of these will you use next time you decide to speak to someone?

I’m trying this café for the first time. Have you been here before?
I always struggle with these machines. Do you know if it’s supposed to work like this?
I tried that pastry last time and it was too sweet for me. Have you ever had it?
I’m not used to this train station. Do you know the easiest way to find the right platform?
I always forget how chilly it gets in air-conditioned places. Do you feel the same?
I came here once before, and it was empty. Is it usually this busy?
I tried that new bakery down the road yesterday. Have you been?

4. Humour or ‘playful’ starters

Now, there are moments where you might already (kind of) know the people you have to talk to, but it can still be a bit… awkward… Finding the right words to break the tension in that moment can feel very challenging, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It actually depends on the people you’re talking to. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying! That’s what differentiates you from the rest 🤩 Do you like the following examples I’ve chosen to share with you?

This feels like the moment where someone should crack a joke…
I’m convinced this printer hates me personally.
Every time I try to look productive, my computer decides it needs an update.
I’m pretty sure my phone is listening to me… it just suggested an ad for the thing I was thinking about
Do you think this queue is moving forward… or are we just imagining it?
So, should we take bets on how much longer this will last?
Do you think computers know when we’re in a rush and slow down on purpose?

Why do they work?

You might ask yourself now, why exactly these things work better than the true and trusted ‘How are you?’. Well, let me summarise it for you:

They are specific: Sometimes, sticking to very basic and simple conversation openers might not really indicate that you’re actually open to speaking to someone. In the UK, for example, saying ‘how are you’ can in some instances just be a synonym for ‘hello’. You might not get a response from the other person. However, the examples I’ve given you actually give the other person something to respond to, which would make the conversation much more natural.
They are flexible: I’ve tried to give you examples that can be used in both casual and professional settings. Whether you are talking to a stranger in a café or in a lift, or a co-worker at the office. Obviously, you need to read the room and realise whether someone is actually open to talking or not.
They sound natural. Isn’t that the goal you’re trying to reach? To sound more natural? Well, these conversation starters definitely help you with that as long as they’re not scripted… Don’t try to memorise them and then just repeat them like a robot. Be spontaneous and go with the flow. You can do it!

Before we finish off, I would like you to set yourself the goal to try just one new starter this week instead of defaulting to ‘How are you?’. Remember, conversation (in any language) is a skill, not magic, and you can practise it. Small adjustments can make a big difference and make you go from a shy English learner to a natural-speaking English learner (not that there is anything bad with the first one, but don’t we all want to be confident and sound natural?).

I know how painful it can be to have your mind go blank when wanting to speak in English, which is why I’m so happy that we created a place where you can practise that as much as possible. In our classes at The English Life Academy, we focus a lot on practising these situations so you can feel confident and natural in English (and believe me, the classes are never boring!).

Thank you very much for reading this week’s newsletter!

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